After how many years, it’s a good few, I’m back reviewing again. Just as I was becoming accustomed to the idea that nobody gives a hoot what I think about any more I’m back in the driving seat of hyperbole and lyrical embroidery.

This week alone I’ve been summoned by three companies to give my pennyworth to which I have duly responded, succinctly and without prejudice.

Of course some may think this rebirth inevitable, even overdue. My career as a reviewer began almost 50 years ago with singles, albums and live music concerts. I was physically threatened by a man in a high crown homburg with blood red eyes who disapproved of one such epistle and another time ridiculed as “the critique” backstage by members of a band I had until that day been a firm supporter of. Nevertheless, by and large my career in my reviews went well. So much so I progressed from reviewing music to London restaurants of every cuisine for a weekly free sheet, followed by a brief and unsuccessful DIY shift into power tools; I still possess one of the orbital sanders. But I bounced back with an extended period reviewing cars when I met the legendary television travel correspondent Alan Wicker and was taken for a spin in an all new Mercedes-Benz two seater with no lesser ace behind the wheel than Stirling Moss himself.

This accumulative period came to a head with outdoor accessories and men’s fashion. So perhaps it’s not at all surprising that the supermarket chain Waitrose is keen for my thoughts on a number of items from low fat mincemeat to olive flavoured breadsticks. Previously the store requested my thoughts on pizzas, root vegetables and lemon and sultana Danish pastries, which if I’m honest are the only reason I shop there; I recall stating as much in the review.

This past month I’ve been invited to review Barclaycard after numerous members of staff and ‘bots’ (!) failed to resolve my issue. Upon paying our gas and electric bills British Gas requested my thoughts on the paying process and how it could be improved? Questions very similar to those in the DVLA’s ‘satisfaction survey’ after I renewed my car tax: five options “how could we improve this service”?

The most troubling review request, and one I’ll admit I deferred upon, came from the dental practise that at that point was reconstructing a tooth to the back of my lower jaw. I was perplexed and in some considerable pain didn’t want to risk upsetting anyone with my usual no-holds-barred honesty and make matters worse. Perhaps if I had I wouldn’t be in as much discomfort today.

Libertys asked to “rate my experience”, as did Ebay and my car insurance company and Waitrose encouraged me to “Have your say” and “Take The Survey”.

Online reviews are nothing new. TripAdvisor and Trustpilot have been the go-to places for those with opinions to share for years. I recall our first Airb&b online review for The Red House Apartment some ten years go comprised a singe word – ‘dust’. 

Why do shops and corporations want our opinions? According to Google’s AI 90% of consumers are guided by reviews for all manner of shopping and hospitality despite the fact that somewhere between 50 and 75% of online reviews are fake – paid for by the companies that want our money. But can you trust that? Almost certainly not and one of the ways to test authenticity is the length of the sentences. It seems AI simply can’t keep it brief (it doesn’t know when to keep shtum or say ’that’s bollocks’) although you can be sure someone or something will be working on that. 

There’s a game I play with Google’s AI that consists of me asking a question that is nothing short of gibberish and AI can’t bring itself to reply “rubbish”. It aims to please. So when I type ‘orange pandas in Japan eating doughnuts” the artificial intelligence  response is “orange pandas in Japan likely refers to popular, handmade animal-themed doughnuts from Japan like Ikumi Mama which often features cute creatures including tigers (orange) and pandas…” Such accommodating systems will be running the world before the decade is out.

It’s not easy getting to speak with a real life talking human being on matters as trivial as banking, utilities, the telephone or health but if you do have the time to wait on the phone the chances are you’ll be asked to review the experience. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve hung on the line for the best part of a hour not to get the result I was after only to give a glowing ten out of ten ‘couldn’t have been better’ review.

A recent review request was in the shopping mall at Victoria Station where a couple of likely lads were raising money for a renowned children’s hospital in central London. I dodged past them on the way to the supermarket but was collared on the way back by one of them commenting approvingly of my titfer. I explained I have cash but wasn’t planning on handing over my bank details for a direct debit. They looked glum and shrugged. Okay, but could I go to the website, handing me a card, and give them both and my experience a favourable review? Five star!