I don’t know how many times I have driven east towards London over the course of 25 years on the A303, passing Stonehenge making for the M3? Let’s settle for 150 times, it can’t be far off. So imagine how I felt a few weeks ago when after about about two hours I pulled up at a set of traffic lights and didn’t have a clue where I was?  Nothing looked familiar; not the traffic lights (there aren’t any on the A303 east of Exeter); not the houses; not a busy dual carriageway; not a pub. Even as I write I have no idea where I was that autumn morning. Lost, that’ll have to do.

I remember pulling into the Exeter Services earlier in the drive to take a leak and I recall queuing up at a Greggs bakery on my way back to the car. Greggs is significant because I’d been reading about their vegan sausage roll that by all accounts is the snack equivalent of Instagram to anyone under 25 years. They are reported to be so good the company can’t bake enough and is planning to expand its range of vegan bakery to satiate the growing Extinction Rebellion generation. I’m all for veganism provided it’s delicious so I bought one and called Kim to brag about the fact: I’d been trying to track one down for weeks. I remember thinking it quite tasty. It looked, smelled and tasted like those cheap sausage rolls we used to get in the 60s and 70s, before people really cared about food and things like farm fresh and organic. The faux meat was pink and the puff pastry a bit greasy to the touch. I ate half, having not long since had breakfast, and returned the remains to the paper bag intending to finish it off for lunch. 

That’s when the lights went out so to speak.

I am writing about this because some months earlier, while Kim was working in the gallery, our house guest Eleanor and I drove to Falmouth, just for fun and to buy a gardening implement from a shop I am so ashamed to confess to visiting that I shan’t mention its name. I remember it was a grey day. I drove in the old blue Mercedes and parked on Greenbank where I often park, nar the town centre overlooking The Fal. It was lunchtime and we decided to grab a light bite at a right-on, bakery cafe place. Not vegetarian but with lots of cheesy, salady options for them’s that don’t do animal. We each ordered something cheesy on toast with salad, sharing a slice of cake for pud. It was during the pud that I came over all funny. Standing up I told Eleanor I didn’t feel quite right and that I’d be stepping outside for a breath of fresh air. 

Not quite right! Standing in a shop doorway on the other side of the narrow street I couldn’t remember where I was? Why I was there, how I got there, who drove, or where we’d parked, and if indeed we had driven? In short I had no idea how I came to be there, which believe you me is a bit worrying to say the least. After I don’t know how long I returned to an anxious looking Eleanor and said I felt a little better, and paying the bill we left. 

After purchasing a piece of gardening paraphernalia from the unmentionable store at the other end of town and still feeling like a drunk on a tightrope (Eleanor rightly concerned about my ability to drive us home) I suggested we stop off at a pub. A pair of double espressos (mine so heavily sugared it tasted like Golden Syrup) and a large brandy for me. I downed them both in single gulps and felt instantly as though someone had thrown an enormous electrical switch attached to the back of my head.

“I’m back,” I recall saying whilst looking around and wondering where the hell I was? One minute out with the fairies and the next down to earth pledging never to eat cheese on toast again as long as I live. 

Fast forward to somewhere in the west country after half a vegan sausage roll attempting to reach Alton, off the M3 near Basingstoke, in a town I didn’t recognise, not knowing how I got there, and not knowing which way to turn. My situation wasn’t helped by the fact that the reason I was going to Alton was to trade my old Merc in for a slightly newer model and because I thought I knew the route like the back of my hand I’d stripped the car of all personal items – including maps. 

I drove around in circles for what seemed like an eternity going beneath the M5 twice, possibly three times, and over what I believed to be the A303 even more. Tapping Basingstoke into my mobile phone’s GPS app didn’t seem to help much. Indeed it wasn’t until I pulled into a service station, somewhere near a military base (I kept seeing barbed wire, soldiers and jet fighters) and bought two Cadbury’s flake bars (well known for their efficacious qualities) and downing them post haste did I return to something resembling normality. Only it wasn’t normal at all. I arrived in Hampshire at the wrong time and it turned out the wrong place. Maybe I’ll try a Crunchie bar next time.

What does any of this mean? I have absolutely no idea. In fact, I have no idea why I even wrote this or where the concept came from?